things are going pretty well, all things considered.
no definitive choice has been made on a school; i need all of the numbers in front of me to make that decision. however, despite what i keep telling people, this won't be a strictly financial decision. right now, ball state is looking pretty tantalizing. going there will provide me with contacts that i can keep through grad school, and i won't have to relocate when it comes time to get my master's. it's dirt cheap, technologically advanced (a quality i find alluring), and pretty liberal. on the other hand, maybe i'm investing so much time into this school is because i desire a greater degree of freedom than i currently possess. however, i think i might get into some trouble if i had no reason to stay on the straight and narrow. with my addictive personality, that could get very ugly very quick. VERY ugly. brian may also be a reason i'm looking at this school so intently... i know that i shouldn't base any major life decisions on him, because we may not last, etc. i don't know if my love for him is clouding my better judgement, or if ball state is really where i should be. i don't want to exclude it from potential contenders to eliminate strictly on the basis of love and all that implies, but i don't want to choose based on a current relationship. i'm trying to intellectualize as much as possible; we'll see how that goes. switching gears, tim and his family expect me to attend saint mary's. my religious fanaticism has waned to a degree; in fact, my faith is practically dead. (that is another topic entirely, though, and i'll stick to schools right now.) although i would like to explore the intellectual aspect of Catholicism more deeply, i would also like to learn more about less western religions, i.e., Islam, Buddhism, modern Deism, etc. this can be done with less bias at a public school, and saint mary's may indeed put a Catholic spin on its religion classes. that is to be expected; i do, however, want the remainder of my classes to be taugh on a secular level (huntington has failed miserably in that regard). saint mary's is also expensive, and my money is running out faster than expected. on the other hand, this school has excellent placement and alumni networks, and is nationally renowned for excellence. purdue is pretty much out of the running; they want an answer by may first, and that i cannot provide. jason was pretty much the only motivating force there, anyways, and there's not much for me at that school. saint francis would be a nice alternative to huntington, if i needed to stay in town, but again, price may be a factor; i haven't gotten much financial assistance from that institution. i haven't even sent in my transcripts to ipfw yet... they may not be considered at all. we'll see. as far as staying at huntington is concerned, it could be tolerable, but chapel is a waste of time and i wouldn't experience anything beyond huntington, indiana, until grad school. GAH! i don't comprehend why this process is so difficult for me; perhaps my insatiability plays a role here. end of that rant.
i lost a few more pounds, which was rather disturbing, actually. i got down to 116, and for 5'4" and my bone structure, that's pretty bad. i looked pretty sick; i went to the doctor, and she prescribed an antidepressant that acts as an an appetite increaser. HOLY SHIT, I CAN'T STOP EATING. i ate an entire bag of doughnuts earlier today; this has to stop. i'll decrease it to half a pill per night and see how that goes. heh, funny story about the doctor: my psychiatrist stopped practicing, and did not notify any of his patients. (it wass probably malpractice... this guy was a pushy douchebag.) i found this out when i called to set up an emergency appointment; i was having some pretty severe manic issues (extreme irritability, aforementioned weight loss, spending sprees, lack of sleep, paranoia, etc.) and wanted an appointment to get said issues under control. the receptionist informed me that he wasn't practicing and that a new doctor was taking his place. i went to see this doctor (she is a dot indian and has a very thick accent... it's great!), and she stopped my geodon. apparently, that drug was the cause of a majority of my muscle tension and my tmj, and was causing me to randomly pass out. no more synchopies!! woot! she started me on remeron (the antidepressant), and increased my dosage of trileptal by a factor of two. i'm not sure what the long-term effects of the antidepressant will be; i have never reacted positively to an antidepressant before (take a look at my wrists sometime; that's pretty obvious.). hopefully it will do its job.
brian comes home in approximately one month. this is very exciting for me. not only will the love of my life be relatively safe at home, but i can finally get to know him better. my only concern is ptsd. he seems to be pretty resillient, though, so hopefully i have nothing to worry about. hopefully the two of us haven't changed in irreconcilable ways; i love him so much, and would hate to see such a great relationship end due to "changes." war changes everyone, though, and i know that i have changed and matured over these past several months. we'll see what happens, i suppose. i am so pumped! frickin' yay!
my computer has some spyware installed on it, apparently. i have taken the necessary steps to rid myself of these annoying popups and ridiculous messages of "ninety-two malware threats have been detected... download our software and buy our package to fix it!" i encourage all of you to do your research on this software before buying anything. google is a powerful tool :)
hah... not like anyone reads this. i have nothing interesting to say, and my writing skills have gone to shit since i stopped writing on a regular basis. here's something interesting, i suppose: if hillary wins the democratic nomination, republicans will win the next election, despite the fact that their party is more corrupt than enron (oh, wait, they were involved in that. oops!). you'd think that our nation would have impeached this joke of a president by now, but we're all too lazy watching the war on fox to get up and change anything. anyone willing to make a stand is declared a renegade, or worse, a terrorist, and blacklisted. hmmm, sounds like the salem witch trials... oh, macarthy, i'm sure you're laughing in your grave. and that other sound, barely audible above the cry of "america above all," is the sound of our founding fathers turning in their graves. this nation is hardly what they had in mind; they were the renegades of their days; they were the liberals of their time. now, any self-respecting liberal is suspected of terrorism merely by voicing disapproval of the govenrment's actions. 1984, anyone? have ANY politicians read orwell? animal farm? anyone? i suppose not. hah--what about catch-22? i'm sure the current administration learned all they know from milo. capitalizing off of a war; trading lives for oil. as long as a profit is made, all is well, right? hm. sounds as though a change is needed. maybe i'm alone in wanting that change. it's not like i'd ever get far in politics; i have every odd stacked against me. i'm female, Catholic, from a lower socioeconomic background than most politicians, i don't believe in party loyalty, i'm HONEST, pro-life, anti-war, and anti-capital punishment. oh, and i'm not a nationalist. (according to fox news, that means i'm a terrorist. who knew?) enough of that rant; it's not like anone cares what i think ;)
this post is long enough. comment if you've actually read the whole thing, and if you have, props. you deserve a cookie. i'll eat one for you.
peace and love